A man, sober for 10 years, struggles with co-worker pressure to drink after work, feeling compelled to make excuses. While some colleagues accept his choice of soft drinks, an inappropriate comment during a Christmas event raises concerns about his reputation and feelings of shame. He is advised to own his situation and practice self-kindness. Meanwhile, a woman faces relationship challenges as she seeks support from her boyfriend after caring for his dying mother. He hesitates to move for her sick parents, leading her to question the relationship’s future and the need for space to reassess her feelings and priorities.
Q I’m a man in my late 40s and am an alcoholic, although I’ve been sober for 10 years. Sometimes I go out for drinks with co-workers after work, but it’s more of an obligation than a pleasure. I always drink soft drinks and make excuses that I have to drive from the station (I don’t drive). They have pretty much accepted this, but the drinking culture definitely exists.
However, problems came to a head during a recent work event in the run-up to Christmas, when the pressure from co-workers became overwhelming. I kept refusing drinks until one of them jokingly said, “Are you an alcoholic?” I was caught off guard and fell silent. I’m sure he realized he was in trouble and things have gotten awkward ever since.
He later apologized for embarrassing me, but now I can’t shake the feeling that my coworker was talking about me in a negative way.
I sometimes go out for drinks with co-workers after work, but it’s more of an obligation than a pleasure.
a The only people who should be ashamed are the man who made the comment and your colleague who did the action. It’s shameful to force someone to drink when they don’t want to, especially when driving is involved.
People may talk about you when you’re mentioned, but it’s quickly forgotten. Some of your colleagues may be sympathetic. And if they’re saying anything negative, shame on you.
But it sounds like you feel ashamed of yourself, and this is something you need to work on. Overcoming addiction takes courage, so be kinder to yourself and be proud of your accomplishments. Of course, there is a time and place for everything, but sometimes feelings of shame are lessened by “owning” the problem, or acknowledging that it happened, rather than keeping it a secret. There may be times when
Do you have to choose between your boyfriend and your family?
Q I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 4 years. Shortly after we met, I moved hundreds of miles away to live with him. Because he wanted to be close to his widowed mother, who was seriously ill. I worked to help take care of him and his sister before she passed away.
The plan was for him to eventually move to my hometown, closer to my adult children and elderly parents. My mother is not feeling well and my father needs more and more help. I felt it was my boyfriend’s turn to be there for me and asked if I could move back up north where I still owned a house.
However, he then stated that caring for a second dying person was too painful to bear. I told him that I helped his mother, but I thought his attitude was selfish. He now says he couldn’t leave because of work and friends. His job was flexible and largely non-office-based, so he could easily move around if he wanted to. I’m angry because I feel like he won’t support me when I need it. I’m wondering if it’s worth continuing the relationship, and I feel lonely without him.
a It must be upsetting for you to be so torn up. Perhaps your boyfriend should be given some leeway, as his feelings that it would be too painful to experience death again are valid. Still, you gave him support when he needed it and it’s a shame he has no intention of giving it in return.
There seems to be some kind of selfishness in his attitude. I think he’s probably never going to move. Long distance relationships can cause problems. Having an elderly parent sick miles away is often a crisis situation. Now may not be the right time to make a decision, as you are also dealing with grief now and in your future. So why not move to a place where you don’t have a boyfriend for a while and meet him when you can?
Since you haven’t mentioned love, a little space might help you gauge the depth of your feelings for him and decide if you’re staying in the relationship out of fear of loneliness. Unfortunately, later you may have to choose between him and being close to children or parents. Both may not be possible. You may be afraid in the back of your mind that he doesn’t love you enough to sacrifice for this relationship. Therefore, you need to ask him for an honest answer. However, your life is not just about caring for your parents. If I go back, I need a social life and see my kids a lot. You may also benefit from contacting Marie Curie (mariecurie.org.uk) for support with your bereavement. You can also try Age UK (ageuk.org.uk) for advice on how to get support for your parents.